Song of the day: Is There Somewhere - Halsey
Sometimes life throws the odd curveball at you. That odd curveball can break you and there you are, face smacked on the grey, cold concrete pavement. You're in pain internally. Sad thing is? No one knows. The odd curveball can be a mere passing 'joking' comment about your life choices made by a friend, your brother, your sister, your parents and sometimes your lover.
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| Image by me :) - Somewhere near London Bridge |
1) "Oh you, drinking again?" - Yes I am. I am 23 years old and I live in London. Yes I like a drink or two or three until I'm dancing on that table in the bar or rolling on the dirty floor laughing and forgetting to pay my tab after work. I'm sorry that I have that privileged freedom to do what I want with my life. As long as I don't drink first thing in the morning or it's not affecting my health yet I don't think I have a problem. Let go and live a little.
2) "You have a degree and you work in a bar and promo? When are you gonna get a real job?" - What qualifies as a real job I ask you? A 9-5 office job, wearing a black pencil skirt with tights and a shirt being stuck on a computer all day long? I've done that and I realised it wasn't for me. Please. A job is a job. Am I not supporting myself? Am I not paying my own rent or bills? Do I not pay for my own drinks and food? I think I'm doing pretty much okay in that department. If you're going to ask me that question maybe rephrase it to, "When are you going to start your career?". My answer? "Tomorrow if I feel like it, some people are late bloomers." Until then go and listen to Destiny's Child Independent Woman. That is my anthem to that question. Done and dusted.
3) "Don't you want a boyfriend?" - Again I am 23. I've had a boyfriend. A very emotional, heartbreaking, intense and heavily sexual relationship that lasted for about five years. Since then I've had casual lovers. I've had one-night stands. I haven't felt a connection with someone yet. For me it will take a lot. Emphasis on the words a lot, to call someone my boyfriend. Yes I have commitment issues but I am very open about that. I'm simply not ready. I am happily single because as cheesy and cliched as it sounds, like seriously so cliched I want to stick my head down a disgusting public toilet splashed with diarrhoea and vomit the words I'm about to write; Deep breaths... I actually took the time to 'discover' myself. Ugh I feel the bile riling up. I really have though. I have issues that I am working through before I can even begin to let anyone in. But right now, I am so comfortable with myself that yes I won't reply to that guy's texts. I won't immediately come over and fuck you. I will make you wait because I am probably out having the best time with my friends right now. You are more than welcome to join and we can go back together or I'll come over later. I won't drop my plans because you decided to text me all of a sudden. I am okay with being alone for the night. Of course one day someone will come and rock my world, in and out of the bedroom. I will fall back in love eventually. But until Prince Charming arrives, I will swim through life and enjoy every goshdamn moment of it.
Those are the curveballs that have been thrown at me lately. They were made known to me as 'joke' or 'funny' comments, which I don't mind the first time. But if you keep mentioning it every fucking time, the words will begin to cut deep. The lights in the bar have turned on. The audience has left the gig. The cinema credits are rolling. You're just left stood alone in silence. That's when you begin to question your life. But after that, the music comes back on and you realise that your life isn't so bad and that you shouldn't be made to feel like the smallest person in the world just because some people continuously make thoughtless comments to you about the life that you didn't plan.
But never be disheartened by what people say, it's good to re-evaluate your life to see what's working and what's not at times because then you can change to how you want your life to be and be the person you want to be for your own sake. Just do it on your own terms made by your choices in your own time and no one else's.
Cheers,
Watch this space xx
