New Year, New Me? #SadCorner

Song of the day: 20 Years From Now - Clean Cut Kid

First, Happy New Year!

Chilling on Karon Beach, Phuket'15

It's 13th January 2016 in London and I'm stuck in bed. I have a doctor's appointment in exactly one hour and twenty-three minutes as I write this. So far in the new year I've struggled to get myself out of bed in the mornings. I wake up at about 7 or 8am. That's a good time. Bright and early. Eager to be a productive member of society in the world. But no. Instead, I look at myself in the mirror and see black eyes from unwiped black eyeliner, from the day before. I look to the corner of my room and see a mountain of clothes piled on top of one another. Like a clothes sandwich. There's the underwear, a few jumpers on top, some t-shirts layered on top of that and is that a dress I see? I don't remember the last time I wore a dress. Some leggings and jeans strewn across them and some socks thrown in for good measure. Layers upon layers. I see my blog and I see about five unfinished posts.

"I really should get that done" I say to myself.

But I don't. I remain in bed. It's weird. A year ago I was working constantly, writing, making plans and having fun. What happened? To be honest I don't know. I woke up in 2015 feeling like I had the whole world at my feet. But this year? I woke up feeling...the only way to describe it is empty. I feel like I've lost something within me. Maybe I'm worried that because 2015 was such an unbelievable and incredible year, I fear that this year could not measure up to that. But how can I say that? The only reason that last year was a beautiful year was because I made it so. I worked, I made an effort to do things, I decided to travel and I did things I never thought I could do like sky diving in New Zealand. I am responsible for my own happiness. See I know this. Yet here I am. I'm stuck in the never-ending cycle of...sadness. I'm not working as much as I should even though I can. I'm not writing as much as I should even though I can. I'm not as active as I should even though I can.

It's a lot of 'I can' and not of 'I am' or 'I will'. You know all those stupid positive things people say to themselves in the new year. It's been awhile since I felt like this. I forget that when there are dark days like these, it's easy to remain a mass clump in the middle of your bed and hide under the comfort of your blanket. It's like you threw yourself in a deep dark well in the middle of nowhere and there's a rope that's just out of reach but not impossible to grab onto. But the only problem is, will you bother to even try to grab that damn rope? This is where I'm stuck. I'm caught between reaching for that rope and climbing out or staying in the well and rot. Then I think, what if I get the rope then what happens? Will I make the effort to climb or remain in one place. Again it's me that's holding me back.

What a strange conundrum.

I really should take the first plunge. The first plunge out of this empty mess. Maybe today will be the day I take the first step in getting that godforsaken rope? I mean maybe I already have with this blog post.

Hell I didn't even realise that.

My doctor's appointment is in forty-one minutes. I'm sure I'll make it on time.

I guess I should leave this blog post on a happier note. Something you can take away from and even learn? I don't know. The point is...You, yourself and you only is the key to your own happiness. Yes little luxuries in life like a cup of tea, your favourite book, biscuits, the gym or people add to your happiness. But to be truly happy within yourself is only something you can do, which is something I have to learn for the moment. I'll find a remedy for this melancholy. Look I made a rhyme!

Cheers,

xxx

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/14646769/?claim=exjkd89qf8s">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>